Your anaconda’s desire for wheat byproducts has been brought to the attention of the Council and a detachment of the Sheriff’s Secret Police has been sent to your house
Advise your anaconda to come quietly, as resistance is futile and may warrant the use of lethal force
when my mom was 30ish, my dad took her to this garage band concert as a date and she really liked them so she bought a cd from them and talked to them for a few hours then promised to keep in touch with them and show everyone her cd, but later forgot. So 10 or so years later theyre on the radio and she just smacks her head then says, “fuck i forgot to show everyone the cd” and that is the story of how my mom let Adam Levine and the rest of Maroon 5 down.
do you think that when fred and george started hogwarts all the teachers were like “ahh more weasleys. lovely. their brothers were such good students i’m sure they’ll be just the same.” and then the twins walked into their first class and just SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS
oh my fucking god
so i’m reading this harry potter fic
and every now and then there are words like “arseented” and “marseaging” and “arseistance” and i was trying to figure out what the hell is going on
finally i got to the word “parse” and figured it out
they’re american so after they wrote it they did a find and replace to change every “ass” to “arse”
i can’t stop laughing omg
"Word has made 436 replacements."
"That sounds right."
not knowing what your characters look like
continuing to write them anyway
not knowing what your characters’ names are
continuing to write them anyway
mom: hey *dad’s name* oh whoops i mean *brother’s name* oh no *sister’s name* i mean *name of the family goldfish* ah shoot i meant *your name* can you get down here really quick i need something
my dad has literally called me by his own name.
CAN THIS BE A THING
Things were perfect at camp for about a month after the Second Giant War. Then, when Apollo’s punishment was decided, all Hades broke loose.
Zeus decided that sending Apollo to Camp Half-Blood for a century or two would be the best idea. And when everyone found out, Everyone found out.
All at once.
Apollo was named Co-Camp Director with Mr. D, and his arrival was, as Apollo put it, “A true blessing for all demigod kind.”
His grand entrance to camp included fireworks (which almost burnt down the Big House), an absurd amount of fog machines (which made a dozen tree nymphs and satyrs black out from the fumes), and one extremely long electric guitar solo.
For the first two weeks, Apollo insisted on singing as loudly as he possibly could as soon as
his chariotthe sun peaked over the horizon (and being a god “as loudly as he could” means somewhere in the fffffffffffffffffffff range [ask a band geek for translation]). He also decided that dinner was the perfect time to recite his poetry. His “legendary mastery of words” consisted mostly of haiku’s like:
Tending over kids,
Big daddy does not trust me.
I make camp cooler.
Cabin 7 was the laughing stock of the camp, but they finally had the courage to confront their father. They were able to get him to tone it down in the morning by telling him that “his singing would break the other demigods’ ears because the sheer awesomeness of his voice was too much for them to handle.” Apollo agreed, apologized for not thinking of the consequences of his awesomeness, congratulated Chiron for training the young heroes strong enough to withstand his “magnificent singing voice” for so long, and decided he would spend the morning to practicing his Valdezinator instead.
After those first two weeks, things started to go back to normal as Apollo started to get bored with camp (though it didn’t keep him from his morning Valdezinator sessions and his dinner poetry).
Will should have known his luck wouldn’t last.
It had been almost 3 days since his dad had done anything majorly embarrassing. He didn’t know how Nico was still dating him (not that he was complaining). Will was certain that Nico would leave him when he realized how
annoyingextreme Apollo could be.
Over the past month their relationship had morphed from friendship, to best-friendship, to dating, to official couple and Will was as happier than cat on catnip~
He and Nico were currently laying side-by-side and hand-in-hand in the shaded part of Half-Blood Hill. Peleus, who was curled around Thalia’s Pine, snored softly above their heads.
At some point one of them (probably Will) turned over and started kissing the other. It had taken a while to get Nico relaxed with some of the physical aspects of dating (specifically kissing), but now that he was comfortable with the idea he was starting to get really good. Almost better than Will.
Their kiss started to get more heated and Will was starting to have a hard time thinking straight. He moved them so that they were facing each other while sitting up and, much to Will’s surprise, Nico moved onto his lap, wrapping his legs around his waist to pull each other closer together. Will was really struggling to focus now. Just as he moved his hands to Nico’s hair a voice called from the hill above, “Atta’ boy Will! Now, go for the neck. You can never go wrong with the neck. You just can’t.”
Nico practically flew off of Will. The two stared in shock at the god standing above them, faces as red as the strawberries in the fields.
"D-dad?" Will finally managed. "Wuh-What’re you doing?”
Apollo frowned, “You two didn’t have to stop. I don’t mind watching. Besides,” he continued, “I get to give you two tips!”
Nico made a strangled sound that Will had to agree with. ”Dad… Can you just… y’know, not do that?” Will was so embarrassed he could’ve died. Not only did someone walk in on him and Nico making out, that person was his teenage-looking, godly father who then tried to give them kissing advice.
Apollo raised an eyebrow, “You don’t want my expert, dating advice?” he shrugged. “Suit yourselves. Oh yeah! I came here to tell you to get the Infirmary ready for a lot of people. The Romans are coming next Friday and we’re going to have Camp VS Camp, Capture the Flag. There’ll probably be a lot of wounded.” He winked at Nico (who made another choking sound), turned, and walked back down the other side of the hill humming what sounded like Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”.
My first attempt at a fanfiction~!
oh gods that was hilarious good job
My friend wanted to take a picture with her cheesecake. She tilted the plate too much.
When my grandma died I found this in her room, I laughed so hard and I made me much more happy
Someone needs to write a ‘the fire alarm went off at 3 am and now the cute guy from the flat next door is standing next to me in his underwear’ AU